Friday, April 28, 2017

Where you been, girl?

A friend on facebook recently asked me , Where you been, girl? And as I reflected I realized it had been months since I blogged. The truth is all I had was vulnerability to blog about and I didn't want to share it.
But I had a little push today when I listened to this you tube clip from Brene Brown

So in the spirit of goes...
Its been months because since the first of March I have been in a dark place. No one likes to blog about the dark days. Its not cheery, its not encouraging, and in my world its a sucky record on repeat... that only the "privileged" ( poor things!)few get to hear.

Bla bla bla...I feel like crap,

one scary weird physical symptom after another,

 I strive and I struggle to keep myself eating within the restricted boundaries of my current doctor prescription.

 And I google and research more and more restrictions thinking perhaps if I just cut the right foods out then I will feel well.

In my fear, I harass doctors and nurses becoming the Elaine Bennis of Conroe.

I cry and cry to God.
 I isolate.
I try to shut the down the voices in my head that tell me:
 I will never get well.
I am alone.
No one understands.
You are so annoying to everyone.
Each new day I wake with dread, wondering what awful symptom will terrorize me today.
And the grand finale my body going to just shut down in a terrifying way that scars my family for life.
These fears are loud.
These fears make me feel like I'm going crazy.
These fears fill me with doubt.
And they make it damn hard to enjoy life.

I loose hours, days, weeks of my life...I don't draw or paint. I don't work on my coding. I don't engage with my friends or my husband like I want to. I don't reach out to new friends the way I want to. My quiet time is dull. But I try!

 O I try so hard to be well and to be happy and to not think!

 I smile, I say "Hi, I'm fine, how are you?"  when I walk the children's pick up line at school.
 I try to be a "normal" mommy to my kids and keep the slow burning anxiety out of my countenance as I take refuge in the mundane chores of afternoons and evenings.
But I dread when they all leave for school and I am left alone with my thoughts and myself all day.
Some days are better than others...I work out, I enjoy some music, I walk with my friend and laugh about random nothingness, I go to my volunteer time at the college, or bible study. I feel normal for a time.

But the question haunts me...will I EVER feel well again!? Will I make it out of this alive with my marriage and family still intact?

And all I can do is keep telling myself..YES YOU WILL. By the grace of God you will rise from these ashes and be the whole beautiful creation God made you to be.

So this raw junk...this raw junk post is for you girls out there who are struggling...anyone who can relate to this place....who sometimes thinks I cannot try anymore...I cannot put one more exhausted foot in front of the other.

All I can say is, ME TOO!
You aren't alone.
I ate a full package of gluten free oreo type cookies after the other...
And I laid on the floor and cried awhile...
And its okay...

I haven't been consumed yet.
I will get back up and keep going.
You get back up and keep walking too, ok?