This is the story of how God rescued me from dead religion
and brought me to love and life.
I was born into a loving family who valued God, family, and
safety. My parents took me to church as a baby and we rarely missed a Sunday
throughout my entire childhood. Much of my understanding about God came from my
Mother. She told me about Jesus’ love for me, read me tons of bible stories,
prayed with me each night, showed me how to worship God, and tried to teach me
how to live in a way that is pleasing to God. As a young child I easily
accepted that Jesus was God’s son and that He died on the cross for my sins so
that I could go to heaven and live with Him forever. At age 8, I joined the
church and was baptized. I don’t remember much about it. All through childhood
I interacted with God. I prayed about many childish things, mostly selfish
things. And He would lovingly answer yes. I became aware of who Satan was
through my fears and nightmares. I was
fearful of kidnappers and fire and my mom taught me how to pray, memorize bible
verses that reminded me God was my protector, and how to tell demons to leave
in the name of Jesus (at whose name they had to bow). God walked me through
numerous childhood fears and blessed me in many ways. This was the foundation
of a relationship with Him that wouldn’t bloom fully until much later.
Good
behavior and performance in school, sports, and activities was expected in our
home. I was a rule follower by nature, although often my attitude would get me
into trouble with my mom. But I liked to do well and school was pretty easy for
me. I was a natural leader and had many friends. I never worried too much about
if people liked me because generally they did. And my parents often told me how
much they loved and were proud of me. I thrived on that and did not want to let
them down.
Then
came Jr high. It was a rough couple of years for me. I was physically awkward,
had a bad hair cut, and suddenly began to worry about being popular and having
friends. I felt shy and insecure all of a sudden. I spent a lot of time at
home. During the summer between 8th and 9th grade I began
to “blossom” physically. My body matured and suddenly boys were paying
attention. This soothed my insecurity, because of course guys wouldn’t like
ugly nerdy girls, so I must be pretty and cool! This started a pattern of
trying to find my security and identity in guy attention. I knew all the good
Christian answers about guy/girl relationships. I was waiting to have sex until
I was married but I was full of romantic ideas about dating, marriage and
falling in love. I was boy crazy, a
flirt and dressed as provocatively as my parents would allow. I tried to draw
God into my life and my boy crazy thoughts with prayer and bible reading. I
never saw how I was trying to get my identity from guys rather than God, and
trying to manipulate God into giving me what I wanted. Well boys will be boys
and I began to get sexually crude remarks about my body. I would get so awkward
and embarrassed and feel so dirty. Eventually though, I adapted to “protect”
myself, and I began to make crude comments back. I used my body to my advantage,
to feel accepted, secure, and popular. “If you got it flaunt it” became my
creedo, all the while I maintained a no sex till marriage stance and attempted
to live a “godly” life. Much of this interaction was going on with my friends
in the youth group. Looking back I see how God was so patient, loving, and
protecting of me when I was being so stupid. He saw the real me and was
lovingly reaching out to me and gently trying to help me see truth about who I
was to Him and where my true identity and security could be found. However, I
did not see God accurately. I had begun to see him as only a disciplinary
parent. I thought that if I displeased Him or did wrong in my behaviors I’d be
punished: maybe lose something I wanted or He wouldn’t listen to my prayers or
love me. I still had fears I could only find freedom from with trusting Him, so
I didn’t want Him to leave me or not be pleased with me. I didn’t see until later
that I did not truly believe His unconditional love for me and that I was also
trying to manipulate Him to give me what I wanted by having good behavior. Good
behavior and attitude were both greatly emphasized to me at home and church,
the only problem was I couldn’t always be perfect. Every time I’d fail to be
perfect I’d fall into pits of guilt and shame, feeling that God condemned me,
was angry at me, didn’t love me, and would punish me. I believed I was saved
from hell for all eternity by Jesus’ death on the cross but after that I
thought I had to prove my love and thankfulness by being perfect. Perfect
behavior would prove I really was saved by Jesus, would bring others to God,
and ensure I didn’t suffer from God punishing me. What a twisted take on salvation
that was! I didn’t drink, didn’t have sex with my boyfriends, and stayed away
from the high school and college party life. I went to church twice a week,
sang in the church choir, read my bible, went on mission trips, and tried to
obey my parents. But my heart was full of selfishness and insecurity and
although I looked fairly well behaved on paper, I was living in rebellion that could be seen
in my relationships, especially with guys. Math 15:8 reminds me of me, “They
honor me with their lips but their hearts are far from me. “ Outside rules did
not consistently result in good behavior and did not bring me closer to God, I
found they only emphasized how far away from Him I was. Having rules without
much love and relationship with God led me to a place where I was worn out from
the burden of defeat. I began to wonder, if I didn’t do all the “right” things
would God still love me? I was bored, still sinful, and dead inside despite all
this church going, bible reading, praying, and even getting all the things I’d
ever wanted which was being married to my high school sweetheart with the
wedding of my dreams. So I jumped head first into the rebellion that had been
growing inside me. I began to drink, something I’d never done, and went out dancing
at the club with my girlfriends and hung out with a mind to live and have fun.
Now that I was married, I wasn’t supposed to flirt with men to get that
security I craved and my husband did not feed into my ravenous need for
affirmation. So I found it in my girls. I also continued to interact with all
my friends, mostly couples at this point, in a crude course joking fashion. I
played the role of good little Christian girl gone wild, delivering fantasy
type attitude that was well received by guys and made me feel desirable and
edgy. I was rebellious and enjoyed being
a rebel against all the “religious rules and judgements” that I thought people in the church had. I felt
like everyone at church painted their relationship with God as so pure and
righteous. No one had ever talked to me about struggling with sin, questioning
God, or the cycle of guilt and inability to be perfect. So I began to talk
about it at church and with my friends, leading out with the “Be real” creed.
But in my venting I did not find answers or humbly search for them and it did
not bring life. It lead to further my cycle of acting in rebellion,
condemnation, confessing my sins and asking for forgiveness, followed by vows
to try harder to be “good” and please God. Then I’d fail and the cycle would
begin again. I felt far from God and increasingly worse about my behaviors that
led to some dark places. Again God was merciful to me, its like He had a
boundary of love around me that let me act out in rebellion but kept me from
going off the edge to the places I could never come back from. Eventually we
moved back to Texas for a while and through normal life circumstances I moved
back from the edge of wild behavior but still struggled with the rebel vixen
living inside of me who couldn’t quite find her identity or believe God’s love for
her. I was still feeling rebellious and far from God. Silently I asked the
question, “Will you still love me if I act like this?”
In 2007
we were back in Tulsa. I was a mom now of two little ones, taking them to
church and still trying to live a godly Christian life. I truly wanted to be
pleasing to God and to be secure in myself. We went to church every Sunday and my husband
and I were both small group leaders in the youth group. I believed everything
the bible said about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit and I was trying hard to
teach my children all those things. But I was still not experiencing life,
peace, love, or acceptance from God. I was still a failure at performance and
fear often stalked me. I feared my family dying, I feared bad things happening,
I feared being fat and undesirable. I could not control everything, but I sure
tried and if I couldn’t control things, then I would try to manipulate the God
who can, through my prayers and service. One drizzly afternoon at the end of
February I got a phone call. A girl in our youth group, from a prominent family
in our church, had died in a car wreck. The road was right beside my house, one
I traveled every day. It was horrible, my worst nightmare, a prime example of
bad things happening. I sunk into a dark fear. I didn’t want to leave my house,
I didn’t was to deal with this reality. I wanted to run from life. But I
couldn’t. I was in leadership and I had an obligation to be at church for my
small group during the service they were going to hold. I dreaded that evening
with every fiber of my being, but as I stood there listening to this girl’s
brother lead worship songs, I heard Jesus speak peace to my heart. He said “I
was with Lauren the entire time: before, during, and now. She is safely with
me. Its ok and you will be ok too when the time comes for you. “When the Lord
speaks to Your heart, it changes everything, this was the beginning of that
awareness for me.
In September 2008, I began attending a bible study called
Discerning the Voice of God. Through this study I became aware that God was
trying to talk to me and if I would listen, I could hear Him. This was not a
totally new thought, I believed God directs us and shows us what to do through
the bible and circumstances but I never had purposefully sat still and listened
for His voice. All my life I had been taught and believed that God wanted a
relationship with me but I had kept it one sided. I poured out my heart ,
problems, desires to Him and I believed He listened and helped me and guided my
life but I wasn’t listening to Him. I hadn’t been caring about Him. It had
been pretty one sided. The first time I
sat still and listened my heart was pounding. What if I didn’t hear anything?
What if I did and He berated me for all my sins? What if He told me how
disappointed He is in me and what a failure I am? What if I just made stuff up?
But He answered. He answered with love and gentleness and acceptance that I had
not dared to hope for. His voice was full of love, warmth and life, even His
words of correction brought life not the weight of condemnation. This began a
whole new chapter in my life and faith. As God spoke to me through the Holy
Spirit’s voice inside me, I began to know Him. Scripture came to life. Like
Hebrews 8:10 says, God wrote His laws on my heart and mind, no longer was I
just trying to live a set of rules from the outside, He was working inside me
to want to live His laws. I found out
what He spoke to me changed me. When I was in an emotional sinful tizzy that I
thought could not be fixed, a couple of words from Him and my emotions stilled.
My world went from black and white to color, with all that I’d learned my whole
spiritual life about God still true but in a new dimension of realness and
color that I had never experienced. I found myself eager to get up early in the
morning and wait to hear what the God of the universe would say today! He told
me about Himself, showed me what things He thinks about people and situations,
and me. He shared His plans and what weighs on His heart. He began to share His
life with me and invite me to do things with Him. Did I magically become
perfect? Clearly not. Sin is a battle
and one that will not be totally finished until Jesus takes me to live with Him
in His Kingdom. Did years of lies about God and myself turn around over night?
No, but there’s progress into truth . Most importantly I found life, peace,
excitement and joy! I also began to find security and identity aside from men
and women’s opinions of me. I found out for myself that God is real and
He does love me and He does want to be in a relationship with me, just like the
Bible tells us.
Some of you may have wondered with goes on in this girl that
she opened up her home and invited us over. It was God. Before now, I have
never talked much to my neighbors or cared to know them. I wanted to keep to
myself and not be bothered. It’s uncomfortable and could lead to issues I
didn’t want to deal with if I tried to get to know my neighbors. But God began
to talk to me about how He loves all the people in this neighborhood. Then He
began to give me a desire to get to know you for myself. At times it has been
such a stretch to get out of my comfort zone and initiate contact. In the past
I’ve been too insecure in myself, as well as, selfish to reach out to other
women. I usually saw myself in competition with them and to protect myself, I
had to hide behind my attitude. If I reject first, then I am protected. If I
don’t risk trying to know someone, I’m saved the awkwardness, uncomfortableness
and risk of it not working out. But I’m so very glad I risked. I have been blessed
weekly by your friendship and I thank God for bringing us together and thank
you for being willing to come here and open yourselves up to me and each other.
Thank you for listening to the rescue story God has started in me. I would love to hear your stories one day.
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